A friend of mine mentioned the Sticker Chart several weeks ago, and I’ve given it some thought. This idea has merit. If my issue is a freak-out after I sleep with someone, then not sleeping with them until I’m sure it’s a good thing.

A Sticker Chart is an incentive system. For me, it would be 12 weeks of knowing someone… and… well.. then I can decide. 🙂

The other thing is being able to see, in an objective way, whether or not this is a good thing. Are there red flags? Am I having hard conversations or brushing off my needs that later turn into resentments? Am I exhibiting behavior changes? And… am I doing this in those 12 weeks? Why 12 weeks? It’s an arbitrary time period really, but that’s 3 months-ish. Seems like you get a good feel for someone in about 90 days. And by that point, I think I’d know whether or not I’d want to sleep with them – and I’d surely know if it’s something that is exclusive. Hell, the things I’ve been doing lately haven’t even lasted that long – or gone well that long. Holding off on sex for that long will tell me a hell of a lot!

The thing about holding off on sex is huge for me. Again, something just trips in my head. If someone wants something long-term enough with me to hold off… that says something. They either do want to be friends (which is awesome) or they are also interested in seeing if there is more to this (again, awesome).

So what’s up with OK Cupid? Eh. It falls into that “might as well” category. It’s an easy way to meet people. I was careful to place checks in the “Friends” and “Activity Partners” in what I’m looking for. In the descriptions, I didn’t talk about finding lasting love, who I was looking for, etc. And yes, I want to meet friends this time. Just friends. It’s like people have really tried to impress upon me – there is real merit and value in having people to reach out to and just go to dinner with, or to ask to the fair… or to Wicked. Even if these people are nothing more than friends – I need people who like live music. I need people who like upscale restaurants, I need people who like fairs and museums and things like that. And yes, I need runners and cyclists alike. This seems like a great place to start. I have no idea where this is going to lead. My hope is it will go just like where I’m saying above – having people I can reach out to for cool events.

For me, I need practice at getting out. I need practice getting to know people. I need practice at talking and hanging out and doing things without the pressure of “where is this going” and the flirting and the pressure of sex. Yeah – that was nice – but for me it was a mistake. I can’t do that anymore. It’s too hard on my spirit and too hard on my heart.

I knew early on with PA I should have sent that text: “I don’t want to be just a piece of ass.” And I was too afraid. I was too afraid I was going to lose her. Yep. Lose her. I thought if I stood my ground – stood up for who I was and what I wanted, and didn’t sleep with her – I’d lose her. Wow. Yes, I wanted to sleep with her – there was a *ton* of sexual energy… but I saw something that made a huge impression on me:

If she’s easy, she’s not worth it

If she’s worth it, she’s not easy

I am really taking those words to heart now – and planning to live by them. I believe it now – and I should have stood by that when I was feeling it. I acted contrary to what I felt in my heart – and it really came back to me in the end.

I feel a lot more confident now. So much more sure of myself. So much more sure of what I want, who I am and where I am going.