This article caught my eye this morning… Since I’ve given it a lot of thought I read it.

I’m glad to see there are conflicting arguments on both sides – that some feel it’s good to get it out of the way, and others feel people exclude a partner from long-term relationships if they hop in the sack too soon.

I definitely feel I’ve had a strong connection to sex, or those with whom I’ve had sex. The trouble is, because lightning struck the first time, I’ve kept expecting it to happen that way again… I’ve expected myself to click with someone in that same way (or at least a similar way), to hop in the sack and live happily ever-after. If the past six years of trying have shown me anything, it really should be that we were an anomaly.  It usually doesn’t happen that way. I’ve come to rest with the fact that our year-long, long-distance relationship had so much to do with it. We talked on the phone just about every day. We wrote letters back and forth and emailed constantly. We got to know each other for a year before I moved to Maryland. And even then, I moved here and we maintained separate residences for… at least six, if not nine months before moving in together.

What didn’t work was my not being ready to have children. What didn’t work was my inability to express my needs.

I think us having sex on the first date was… of the least importance of anything. Yes, we did. Would I do it again? Yeah, probably. It’s what got me out of the closet. It’s what really solidified that I was into women. It’s what said, “yep, I’m gay.” Why would I ever take that back?

But again, I’ve been trying to force something into happening time and time again. It’s like Groundhog Day – when Bill Murry takes Andy McDowell back to the snowman & snowball fight with the kids – and tries to get her to kiss him.

For me, I’m experiencing, “I’ve given you 100% – I’ve given it all to you – now what’s the problem here – you aren’t giving it all to me.” And in those first few weeks when attraction and intimacy are high, it’s all good and warm and lovey – so I am getting what I need… then it falls off, because it’s kinda supposed to because no one can maintain that intensity. Yet, what I am missing is the rest of my needs being met – the needs that weren’t being met in the first place that I brushed off because of either the promise of – or for – sex.

And then it happens, I hit the reality that it isn’t going to work. That’s at about 2 months. And I start to pull out those needs that aren’t getting met. And I start looking at all I’ve given away – and I want it back… and the other person is now a little baffled…

For me, the first domino to fall is – well, the first domino to fall is the first thing I give that I don’t want to. Whether that’s driving to that person one too many times, paying for something that I don’t want to, arranging for pet care when I really don’t have the money… or sex. Sex too soon to be specific. And for me, sex needs to occur when there is a commitment in place – and not just a commitment of exclusivity – because I had that with someonel. The commitment needs to start coming after I know the person a bit. For me, now that I am understanding myself more, I need to be in a place where I’ve learned enough about that person to evaluate whether or not this is something I can see going long-term.

At that point – and only at that point – is it a good idea for me to sleep with someone. I used to think this was old-fashioned. Not anymore. I am now to a place where I understand myself – I get who I am and how I’m wired. I can’t fight that anymore, nor should I. Doing so continues to cause me pain. If another person who is interested in dating me can’t, or won’t understand that… they need to move on.

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